In most homes infants sleep in their parents room especially if they are breast fed. This is convenient for both mommy and baby and generally will continue until the child sleeps through the night. Separation anxiety usually occurs when the child is in their own room or even in a bedroom they share with other siblings. A panic response arises out of a feeling that they are not safe as parents are considered their protectors and separation from them heightens the child’s nighttime fears of abandonment.
Bedtime Fears - Separation Anxiety
In human history, our cavemen and women used to hunt and gather during the night leaving the children alone and vulnerable to predators. This innate feeling has been past down from generation to generation. One thing is for certain nighttime fears and separation anxiety should be taken seriously as anxiety leads to bad dreams, nightmares and sleep disorders that turn into bad behavioral problems and other health related issues. If parents treat the child’s separation anxiety at an early age it will help them avoid emotional problems later in life.
To deal successfully with bedtime fears and separation anxiety a child needs to develop a sense of time when they will see a parent again, gain control of emotional impulses, not make conclusions that are misleading sensory information (shadow on the wall looks like a monster) and distinguish appearances from reality. Most children will develop these physiological capacities when they reach 5-6 years of age and even then they can’t be expected to create their own effective fear management therapies. Children that are younger than 5 and more timid than others are more frightened when left to fend for themselves as they don’t know how to calm themselves down. Temperamentally-inhibited children have higher resting heart rates and higher levels of stress hormones. Timid children are more sensitive and become trigger-happy when it comes to fears and anxieties. What these children need is someone to provide security and teach them how to overcome their fears.
Techniques for Bedtime Separation Anxiety:
• Always question parenting advice that encourages parents to leave distressed children alone at night. As noted above, kids lack the coping tools to work things out by themselves. And even advocates of “cry-it-out” strategies of sleep training warn that such approaches are inappropriate for young babies, toddlers, preschoolers and timid children who are especially fearful or anxious about parental separation. See easy sleeping methods for baby for more information on how to put your child to bed.
• Consider sources of daily stress. Kids who suffer from daytime anxieties—about school, separation from parents, or other concerns—are more likely to fear the dark and fear sleeping alone. You may be able to reduce your child’s nighttime fears by helping him cope with daytime stress.
• Review your child’s sleep schedule. Sometimes parents overestimate how much sleep their children need. As a result, they send their kids to bed long before kids can fall asleep easy. Kids left to stew in the dark have more time to dwell on nighttime fears.
• Avoid frightening television, stories, and imagery—especially before bedtime. This includes passive exposure, which occurs when your child is present while you watch potentially disturbing material on TV. A recent study reported that 5-6 year olds exposed to adult TV programs—including the evening news—slept less overall and experienced more sleep disturbances.
• Fight fear with the power of touch. Physical affection switches off separation anxiety. Rub the child’s back or nurse an infant until they fall asleep.
• Try to be patient. If your child’s nighttime fears are depriving you of sleep, it’s natural to feel resentment. But it’s important not to direct anger or irritation at your child. If your child feels rejected, this will only intensify his separation anxiety and make things worse.
• Respond promptly to nightmares. Assure your child that the nightmare wasn’t real, and explain that everybody has nightmares sometimes. The more quickly you break the spell of a frightening dream, the more quickly your child can get back to sleep.
• Provide your child with a night light. As you and your child works through her nighttime fears, you can switch to progressively dimmer lights.
• Be a model of calm, confident behavior. When your child comes to you in a fearful state, be warm, sensitive and responsive. Tell him you understand that he is scared, and that everybody gets scared sometimes. But don’t let sympathy turn into overprotectiveness and if your child believes you are worried or anxious, he may become more fearful.
• When possible, show your child proof that his fears are unfounded. As noted above, young children lack the developmental skills to distinguish appearances from reality. For these kids, telling them that there is no monster is in the closet is not enough. They need you to actually look and confirm that all is well.
• Show your child how to relax. For instance, as you soothe a crying child, you can show him/her breathing exercises. In a study aimed at reducing anxiety in young children scheduled for a medical procedure, researchers taught kids how to take slow, deep breaths by having them exhale into party blowers. These breathing exercises appeared to reduce distress in 40% of the kids.
Techniques for Bedtime Separation Anxiety
• Counteract frightening thoughts with images of happiness, safety, and bravery. When he is fearful, help your child think of situations that make him feel happy and in control. For instance, you might encourage him to imagine he is playing with his favorite pet. You might also have your child practice telling himself that he is brave.
• Teach coping skills through role playing. Many kids overcome their fear of medical check-ups by playing doctor. You can apply this approach to nighttime fears as well. During the daytime, talk about your child’s fears and discuss how she can counteract them. Help your child practice the tactics mentioned above—thinking happy thoughts, telling oneself that one is brave, rehearsing relaxing techniques, and transforming frightening imaginary creatures into something silly and non-threatening. Then try a little role playing. If you have another adult or older child to help, the two of you can act out the parts of frightened child and helpful parent. The parent shows the child how to counter her nighttime fears, and the child tries each technique out. After this demonstration, have the child play the part of the comforting adult. You—or a favorite toy—can take the part of the fearful child.
• During the daytime, create stories with your child in which the protagonist (your child’s favorite fictional character or hero) learns to overcome his nighttime fears. This technique—called story desensitization—is designed to make children less fearful by having them confront their fears in small steps. Start by telling a story that lacks any frightening elements. Then introduce something that is just a little bit scary. For instance, if your child is afraid of spiders, you might add a very small, non-threatening spider to the story (one that keeps its distance from the hero). The hero responds by successfully practicing the fear management techniques mentioned above. If this story doesn’t distress your child, you can intensify the frightening element in the next story—perhaps by making the spider come closer. In this way, you may gradually desensitize your child’s fears.
Resource: Gwen Dewar, PhD, parentingscience.com
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